One year ago..

I remember waiting for the anesthesia team to come take him. I remember thinking how sick and purple he looked as we took turns cuddling with him. I remember telling him I loved him as the doctors carried him into the OR. I remember turning to walk back down the hall through blurry eyes. I remember the waiting. I remember being surprised about the peace I felt for most of that time. I remember getting a weird feeling in my tummy when there was an especially long time between updates. I remember literally wanting to hug his cardiologist when he said the words, "He did better than I ever could have expected." I remember walking into the PICU. I remember pushing the familiar button on the wall to open the door. I remember turning around to give Dan a HERE WE GO face. I remember taking a deep breath before I walked into the room. I remember my first glance of him, his nose bloodied and tubes and wires everywhere. I remember looking at the monitor and seeing a 98% saturation reading and starting to cry. I remember his nurse updating us as she sorted through the chaos of wires. I remember how helpless and panicked his high temperature and high heart rate made me feel. I remember him being bathed in ice water in an attempt to correct it all. I remember how relieved I felt when things stabilized. I remember holding his hand and whispering into his ear, telling him how strong he was. I remember feeling more drained than I had ever felt in my life. I remember lying in a sleep room, only a few feet from him, but feeling like he was a million miles away. I remember being terrified that somebody would knock on our door telling us something bad had happened. I remember praying to God that he get through this.