Monster Porta

Belly button


This is one of the exercises Elijah's PT suggested we do with him to help him strengthen his core muscles. Since he usually refuses to put weight on his legs, putting him on his knees is almost as good when it comes to building strength in his core. He actually tolerated this for a few minutes today.


Looks like maybe he's up to something?


He put the toothbrush in his mouth. By himself!

You would never know from these pictures that Elijah was an absolute BEAST tonight. He and I spent the day together while Dan worked at the dropzone. Everything was great until supper. We had a good morning visiting my cousin Trevor and his wife Angie in the hospital and meeting their new beautiful baby girl. Elijah was great at the hospital. He took a good long nap today, and afterwards we went for a walk and went to the park and everything was happy and sunshiney.

Then I sat him down for supper and this is when things took a sharp, wrong turn. I gave him a sandwich and I was going to also give him some spaghettios mixed with veggies (his favorite). He took one bite of his sandwich and one bite of spaghettios and one sip of milk and then decided to freak out. His cup was sent flying across the room, his sandwich was suddenly in my lap, his spaghettios were all over his face, his plate flew across the table, and his body was thrashing, causing his chair to rock back and forth. I was in complete awe. I was thinking, what in the world just happened? I gave him one chance to calm down and eat more of his food and explained that he wouldn't be getting fruit or yogurt if he didn't eat his spaghettios and sandwich. More body thrashing took place, so I removed him from the table and put him in the living room on the floor and walked away.

He sat in the same spot for a good 5 minutes and screamed his head off. I sat at the table, faced away from him, and cried into my hands. I know that disciplining Elijah is important, and we will do it, no question. It is just hard. The kid has been through so much. As I sat at the table, I thought of his strength and of him lying in a hospital bed and about how fragile his life seems to me sometimes and I just wanted to run over and give him whatever he wanted. But I didn't. I just sat there and let him work through it.

Eventually he scooted into the kitchen and contentedly did his usual opening and closing of all the cupboard doors. After a while I went over to him and asked if he wanted a hug from Mommy. I went to reach for him and all I got was another round of body thrashing and screaming.

He tried to get into the pantry, but I said no, so more thrashing and screaming followed. I brought him into the living room and sat him on my lap, facing me, which he usually loves. More thrashing and screaming. Again, I set him down and let him do his thing. After a few minutes he was playing with his toys but any change in his life (me trying to give him his nebulizer treatment or change his diaper or put on his pajamas) and he would totally freak out. I turned on Baby Signing Time and he was happy. In my gut I feel I shouldn't have let him watch it, but I think I may have pulled out all of my hair otherwise.

After that it was time to get ready for bed, and more crazy behavior took place with every little thing I tried to do. This is so confusing for me. I mean, I understand that we're starting the terrible twos, but really? Is it this bad? I'm sitting here wondering if there is something more. Again I'm worried that there might be something wrong. Is he not feeling well? Is it his heart? Is it nothing?

I had a bad dream last night. I have these a lot. I call them my PTSD dreams. I was feeding Elijah and there were a few people around us, watching me feed him. Suddenly I noticed that his breathing was different. It sounded a lot like it did before his last surgery in April, really stressed and shaky. I looked at his lips and they were a dark red color. I said to the other people, "His lips have changed, this isn't good," and I reached to pick him up. I was very calm on the outside but freaking out inside. I woke up in a panic.

It just plain sucks always wondering if something is really wrong with my baby. I'm so tired of it. I just want one week where I don't have to worry about his heart. If I knew his 3-hour tantrum tonight had nothing to do with his heart, I feel I'd be able to handle it much better, and without any tears (on my end anyway). So here I go, another sleepless night of worrying and wondering....