I feel so stupid sometimes when it comes to parenting. I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time. Now that we have a strong-willed and very stubborn toddler, being a parent suddenly requires a lot more thinking and planning. I find myself doing or saying things and then I think, Wait! Was that right?
Elijah still isn't saying many words (just HI and BYE, which he says ALL THE TIME) and he only knows a couple signs, so he has a hard time communicating with us. I imagine this is very frustrating for him because it is definitely very frustrating for us. Because of his frustration, I think, he has started hitting Dan and me in order to get our attention or to let us know when he is upset with us. We have been consistent in letting him know that hitting is not ok. We have even designated a little time-out spot for him to sit in for a few minutes when he does this. I feel a little bit of guilt about punishing him for not knowing how to communicate, but he has to learn that hitting people is never appropriate. I just hope that time will bring better communication skills, which will bring a lot less frustration.
Another point of stress for us lately is eating. It seems like overnight, Elijah suddenly won't eat food that he has loved for his whole life. And sometimes he will refuse a meal altogether. Last night I prepared his favorite meal for him, a piece of lasagna with yummy cheesy gooey-ness. He wouldn't take a single bite. I got frustrated and put a lot of pressure on him to eat. That just made him more upset and then we were both upset and had a lousy rest of the evening.
I felt really unsettled about how I handled the dinner situation, so I did some thinking and realized that Dan and I needed a plan. We know what eating habits we want Elijah to have and which ones we don't want him to have, so we needed to set some standards on how to handle meal times. We chatted about it, and I feel really good about the ideas we came up with. It always feels good once I have my head somewhat wrapped around something.
Every day, I'm amazed at how much I don't know about being a mom. Something new happens and I have to think about the best way to handle it, usually after I've already handled it poorly. I want a pet fairy who whispers all the correct answers into my ear in moments of parental distress.
15 comments:
Motherhood is always a work in progress, trust me, even after 3 kids. Megan, you are doing a great job, just think; Elijah is secure enough with you as his parents to assert himself. I think you are dealing with a typical toddler, even though Elijah isn't actually toddling, you know he's close. Anyway, his developmental stage, PLUS his determined (I try and use that word instead of stubborn when I refer to Bilal) nature has everything to do with it.
If Elijah doesn't eat well at one meal, he'll probably make it up at another, as long as you don't give in to giving him the wrong kinds of foods as a substitute (you know, sweets, etc.)
Yup, even after three kids I often have the urge to find the answer to every baby problem in a book. Sadly there is no such book! Hey I give myself credit, if my mom weren't there when Safa was born I probably would have drowned her in the infant tub trying to bathe her. (Newborns are slippery little things!) Bottom line, I've come a long way, and so have you.
Is Elijah getting speech? It might be a thought. It does get easier when they can express their needs.
Sorry for the long post, I just wanted to reassure you, it's all very NORMAL.
Oh Megan...my heart hurts for you...but at the same time I just have to laugh...cause what you are experiencing is what this "motherhood" thing is all about!
Seth...our "heart" healthy little guy is constantly pulling the food game on us...still! I never know what he wants or likes or will eat. He goes days without eating much more than some mandarin oranges and cottage cheese...the next few days...he eats everything.
I know it's not the same...wanting a "heart" kid to eat is much more stressful...and you are always wondering if he's not eating because of his heart...but my hunch is he's just a normal picky, trying to find his boundaries, trying to be in charge toddler.
Don't second guess yourself (easy to say, I do it all the time) You do know what's best for him and you are giving it to him.
Sending lots of hugs...hoping the communication gets better...I'm sure it will.
Hang in there, my friend!! We have been playing the food game here too! Gracie doesn't eat either.
You are doing a great job! We get so frustrated so easily too. We are doing good!!
<3,
Jennifer
I SO feel your pain, girl. If you find that fairy kindly send her to my place for a night! Ben existed on crackers the other day. I figure when he gets really hungry he'll eat.....he's Mr. picky mcfinicky these days, too!!!
You are doing all the right things. As you may know we have a very stubborn eater ourself. Some days she will eat and eat and others she will not. I just offer the food and if she won't eat then I let her get down from the table. I cannot force my daughter to eat. I used to really stress about this but I've realized sometimes she is just not hungry when we want her to eat on a regular schedule. If she misses a meal she always makes it up with an extra snack or the next meal.
I'm sure this isn't great advice but it's what I do. :)
Love ya,
Vanessa
As a mum of a child with multiple special needs I would suggest introducing some communication aids like PECS or Boardmaker. This will assist Elijah to develop ways to communicate and helped to establish some predictable routine that might be helpful. There is no parenting manual that helps in day to day managing children with special needs.
As many others have shared, we relate to your frustration! Wilson hits occasionally too. What really pushes my buttons is when we get stern with him and express our displeasure with simple words and signs -- and he LAUGHS because he thinks we are funny. Errrrrgh! Even though he knows lots of signs, he still has the typical toddler meltdowns.
We are pretty easygoing about eating. If Wilson won't eat what he is served, then the meal is finished. No bribes -- no crackers or bread or anything else that we know he would eat.
If you do find that instruction manual for Elijah, let us know where you got it so we can order Wilson's. :)
Amy, Mitch & Wilson
"Every day, I'm amazed at how much I don't know about being a mom." Amen to that. Megan, Evan will be 5 on Friday. He still has these stomping tantrums and hits and laughs in the face of discipline. Sigh. I have found it ultra hard in the discipline area - I can't hardly stand to see him cry. When I'm discplining him I find myself in between laughing (to keep my sanity) and crying (feeling like a failure) while he is in his room or timeout. I can't explain it. I want him to be a good person but it is very hard for me to follow through. Send the fairy my way. P.S. I think Super Nanny would be stumped at times with our kiddos and what we have and do deal with.
When you find that manual, please send it my way :) I have three of them and I still have NO CLUE what in the world I am doing...I do not think that I will EVER know what to do :) You just need to follow your heart and you will come up with what you need to do. As for the feeling guilty for disciplining...that just goes with the territory too ;) You know that it is an unacceptable thing for Elijah to do, and the only way they learn this is through discipline...the way I see it...so long as you are not beating the child, demeaning him or neglecting him, you are doing great! It gets easier and easier to do as they get older and sassier ;) You are great parents...just had to add that.
Now that I have rambled on and on, I will stop typing...except for one more thing...I MISS EDWARD...and may have to reread again really soon...I was trying to wait, but I cannot stop thinking about him...hello 12 step program needed :)
Much love,
Samantha
Oh Megan,
I am sorry to tell you that it will be like this until they are grown. Not the tantrum-y, no communication stage, just the always wondering if you're doing it right thing. From my experience it doesn't even get easier on the second kid, because they are all so different, what worked on the first one won't necessarily work for the second. Hang in there, keep praying and trust in yourself. You're doing a great job!
Meg, all kids do these things no matter what needs they have. I've never met a toddler who didn't hit from time to time and every family has to create a policy towards it to be proactive, whatever is right for them.
As for eating, there's not much in his world he can control, but he's learning he can decide what to eat, how much, or at all. Trust me, no kid will starve themselves and he has learned already that it pushes your buttons. However difficult, it's his choice. In ECFE they teach that as parents, it's our job to decide what to serve and when and the child's job to decide what to eat and how much. It is different from when they were younger but this is only the beginning of him starting to have some independant ideas and action. Just do your best to know that this is part of his job, learning to make his own decisions.
OMG, thanks for posting this Megan. After 2 kids, I still feel like I don't know what I'm doing. And, every kid is different, so it's hard to compare with other people's kids. I do a lot of online reading so I don't feel so alone about having a strong willed, tantrum-y 3.5 year old (like, is there something psychologically wrong?)
The eating thing always scares me about Justin. Is it his heart? His GI tract? or, is he just learning how to assert himself? I end up calling the docs whenever it happens to report, and follow up with them. I guess I just want them to make note of it, just in case there is a pattern or something.
It's great that you and Dan are working as a team on the parenting front, and making sure both are on the same page. Consistency is always important.
I'll be praying for little Elijah.
Megan,
I have thought long and hard about your post. It is my believe that yes, it is not always easy to follow the standard guidelines on parenting when heart issues (or any medical issues) are involved. But we only have Wilson and so we do not have experience with a typical child.
In my travels I have encountered several types of people (and doctors, for that matter):
Those who do not understand what we have been through and don’t understand why we worry about Wilson.
Those who DO understand what we have been through, and still don’t understand why we worry about Wilson.
Those who DO understand what we have been through and ABSOLUTELY understand why we worry about Wilson.
And sometimes, even I don’t even know where I fall. Some days I worry and some days I don’t. Is all my worrying justified? Maybe, maybe not... But what I do know is that ultimately, the only person to which I am accountable is Wilson.
So what I live by is this:
I will do the best I can for Wilson. I will seek medical advice and care when I feel he needs it.
I will talk to people about Wilson’s special needs but I will not take it personally if they are not interested or don’t understand.
I will challenge him to develop and learn as normally as he can.
I will love him and enjoy him and I will try not to compare him to other kids too much.
You are doing great. There is no right or wrong to how you feel. There is only you, Dan, and that beautiful little boy – and all the people who love the three of you just the way you are.
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